 | One of the things I haven't talked about much, was the time I was a guest on the Montel Williams Show. This was about 2001. My first book (Compassionate Souls -- Raising the Next Generation to Change the World) was on it's way to being in hundreds of libraries around the world, but I didn't yet own a cell phone. I had been out running errands and was gone longer than I had planned the day Montel's producer called. As I pulled into the garage, my husband swung open the door to the house. I wasn't even out of the car when I heard him excitedly ask, "Where have you been? Producers from the Montel Show have been calling all afternoon -- they want to fly you to NY tomorrow to talk about your book! I told them you would do it, but they need to hear from you in the next 15 minutes or the deal is off. Here is the number. Hurry, call them right now!" Though this was exciting news, I did not see it as an entirely positive thing. As the mother of two young children, one of whom was still breastfeed- |
ing I had developed a new fear -- flying. I was also not eager to be halfway across the country from my nursing toddler.
"I can't go, we're still nursing," I said matter-of-factly to my husband.
"I told them that," my husband shot back. "But you would only be gone one night. They
"I can't go, we're still nursing," I said matter-of-factly to my husband.
"I told them that," my husband shot back. "But you would only be gone one night. They
will fly you out tomorrow. A limo will pick you up at the airport and take you to your hotel. The show tapes the next morning and you will be on your way back home that afternoon. You can do this! Sammi will be fine without you for one night. I will be here. Call them!" he said handing me the telephone.
And so I did. I got right through to the producer, and she knew just what to say to me, it was something like this:
"Montel just read your whole book and he LOVES IT! He asked us to get you out here. We are doing a show on alternative parenting tomorrow and he wants it to be all about what is in your book. We'll flash your book on screen, along with the link to your website and then we want you to talk about vegan pregnancy, and home birth and attachment parenting and home schooling..."
I was floored. This was exactly the opportunity I had dreamed of -- being given the chance to talk about everything I cared about on national TV! They wanted to move fast too. I barely had time to indulge any of my anxieties about dying on an airplane and leaving my two young children motherless.
There were multiple calls. First they wanted to test me out with a bunch of questions and see how I answered. I did my best. The producer loved my answers and I thought she was amazing. I felt like she was my new best friend and I felt validated in my perspective on life and valued for the contribution I was going to make to waking people up and inspiring them to be better parents. I was blown away by how on-board she was with everything I said. With an opportunity like this, I simply couldn't even think about not going, nor could I mull over anxiety related to being farther away from my young children than I had ever been before. My fear of flying on an airplane was easy to push out of my mind in the midst of this exciting opportunity.
Once I was completely sold on the idea, and more importantly -- trusted the character and assurances of my new best friend, she told me there was just a tiny formality we needed to deal with. She needed me to sign their routine release form and fax it back to her. She needed me to do this fast too -- they were under deadline and they couldn't book my plane ticket until the form was signed.
No problem I thought.
They faxed the release form. It was five long pages of very tiny print. The more I read, the more hesitant I was about making this trip and going on the show. I was being asked to sign away all my rights, including my right to sue them for breaking any promise that any member of their staff made to me.
I called my publisher and then I called friends who had been guests on other talk shows. They all basically told me the same thing: This is how talk shows work. That's their standard form. The opportunity to get my book on national TV was an incredible one, and an opportunity few authors ever get, AND the talk shows hold all the power. If I didn't sign their form, I'd be dumped -- they probably had back-ups in mind and would quickly offer this deal to someone else. My choice was to either let this go --- possibly my only chance like this ever -- or sign their forms and hope for the best.
I signed.
One of the friends I had called, was Howard Lyman. He's the 4th generation cattle rancher who was sued along with Oprah Winfrey in the infamous suit brought by wealthy Texas cattle ranchers. Howard gave me good advice. He said I should plan in advance what one idea I most wanted to convey to people, and then no matter what question I was asked, use it as a segue to talk about the one thing I most wanted people to know. I thought this through and knew exactly what one idea I wanted to covey -- it was basically the main thesis that gave birth to my book: Everything we take for granted as normal, in terms of how we rear our children is inconsistent with the basic physical, mental and emotional needs of our species.
I felt ready.
My plane landed in NY and I was greeted by a limo driver holding up a sign with my name on it. They put me up in a beautiful hotel and I was given a generous amount of money to spend on dinner and breakfast. The next morning a limo brought me to the studio and I was briefed on what to expect and again asked a series of questions to help me prepare. This was the first time I learned that other guests were also scheduled for this particular show. That had never been mentioned to me before. My first thought was, "How will they cover all those subjects with me -- if other guests are featured too?" It was also the first time I was informed of the show's title -- it was something like "Controversial and Alternative Parenting."
I was sent to make-up and hair. As I climbed up into the chair, the hair stylist asked me a curious question. "Are you a guest or an expert?"
I wasn't sure how to answer this and wondered what difference my answer might make to how they proceeded. So I told the stylist "I'm not sure...I wrote a book and was invited here to talk about it..."
"Ok -- you're an expert" she said, and began to style my hair.
Though I had already done my own hair, I decided to let them do what they wanted -- hoping to be pleasantly surprised, and I was. They did a great job with both my make-up and my hair, making me look very professional. It wasn't until I got to the green room that I realized the importance of the guest vs expert distinction.
After hair and make-up I crossed paths with another woman scheduled to be on the show. This turned out to be an incredibly fortuitous thing. She was an older woman who told me that she was legal counsel for the La Leche League organization. After we chatted a bit, she asked me if I had ever done anything like this before, and when she learned I had not, gave me valuable advice:
"Be careful -- they may try to get to you to say something specific that they can attack." And she proceeded to explain how breast-feeding advocates are often asked on talk shows how many years is it ok to breastfeed. "Never give an exact number she said." Once you let them pin you down it's an opening to be attacked...don't let them do that."
I was ushered into the green room to wait my turn, and it really was a green room -- with green carpet and green walls. Likely it was just ONE of multiple green rooms as I was in the room alone. It had comfortable living-room style chairs, a clock and a TV screen that allowed me to view what was happening on stage. I looked at the clock. In a few minutes the taping would start. I prepared myself to be ushered onto stage. The clock hit the top of the hour. Montel came on stage and the show started. My heart pounded. I was ready to go. But no one came to get me.
Instead I watched someone else come onto the stage. I glanced back at the clock -- calculating the maximum amount of time that would now be left for them to interview me. When that segment ended I again braced for someone to come through the green room door to get me. But again no one came. A second guest appeared on stage, then a third. Each time the guests were grilled not just by Montel, but also by professional psychologists who just happened to be sitting in the audience -- and then he called on them. That's when it hit me --- the difference between "guests" and "experts." The "guests" who were on stage had a look about them, that seemed more dated, less contemporary -- the women's makeup looked gaudy and kind of overdone, while the professionals who sat in special chairs off stage were obviously the "experts" and their hair and make-up looked very....well professional.
As I watched the other guests I realized why the show was being called alternative and CONTROVERSIAL parenting. They featured a mother who had given condoms to her sexually active 12 year old son -- and then gotten into legal trouble for it, and a father who was also a police-officer who regularly made his 20 year old daughter -- who by all accounts had always been responsible and honest -- submit to a breathalyzer test every time she came home. I couldn't imagine what my book had in common with these parenting choices.
I kept watching the clock nearly 55 minutes had elapsed. The taping was just an hour long.
"What is going on?" I thought to myself. I was so disappointed that I felt like crying. I had come all this way and left my nursing baby and now at most I would get just a few minutes to discuss my book.
"Ok -- we're ready for you!" Someone had come into the green room. Moments later, I was sitting on stage with Montel Williams where blindingly bright lights made it hard to make out individual audience members. I was introduced as a mother who practiced family bed -- that is sleeping with her children. There was no mention of my book, nor that I was even a published author. But thanks to Howard's advice I was at least prepared to get my one main idea across. I used it right off the bat to answer their question about why we did family bed and give it some context. Then they asked me THE question.
"So how long do you plan to let your children sleep in bed with you?"
"Oh gosh -- that's not something my husband and I have actually planned, we'll just see how things go and do what seems to be best for all of us."
"Well how long do you think it's ok to do family bed?"
"Uh...that really depends upon so many things..."
"What is the oldest age you would consider ok?
"You know -- it's gonna be different for every family."
"How old would you say is ok..is 10 years ok?"
"I think parents really need to figure that out for themselves."
Then the, "experts" interjected their opinions, which were clearly opposed to family bed. Following that Montel went back to grilling me again -- over and over he kept rephrasing the same question trying to get me to name some age that I believed was still ok to do family bed. I was running out of new ways to avoid answering this question. So finally I just settled into my broken record mode answering him exactly the same over and over: "...Parents need to figure this out for themselves." Still he kept asking me this same question. Exasperated, I finally blurted it out with a tinge of anger:
"PARENTS NEED TO FIGURE THIS OUT FOR THEMSELVES!"
And with that he wrapped things up. The taping was over and Montel never mentioned my book. He didn't even have it on stage (how I wished I had brought my own copy on stage!) I was ushered backstage to the right and Montel quickly disappeared to the left and I was left wondering if Montel even had any idea that I had written a book. No one in the studio audience had any idea that I had written a book, and I wanted to make sure that this was corrected before the segment aired on national TV. I approached several staff people and told them what happened, and that I had been promised that my book and website would be shown on TV, and asked if they could they put me in touch with the right person to make sure this would happen. I just wanted them to flash my book and website on screen while I was part of the conversation. No one seemed able to help me. I tried to find the producer who I'd been talking to so much the day before -- but she was unavailable. Back home I called her number many times -- but it never again got me anything except a recording. I finally gave up.
When the show aired several months later, my segment had been edited. But not to include an image of my book, nor mention that I was an author, nor to show my website. Instead the editing had removed all of the times that Montel hounded me with the same question about how long it was ok to do family bed...all but the last time that is followed by me replying in anger. That was all TV audiences ever saw. I got zero publicity for my work from the Montel show.
Why you may be wondering did I take the time to share all of this now -- nearly twenty years later? Because I just watched a recent segment of the Tamron Hall Show and it reminded me of my experience on the Montel show.
A special big "Thank YOU" to Del Bigtree for shining a light on exploitative media behavior while giving a mother who deserves to be heard, the opportunity to set the record straight and call out unethical behavior in a journalist. I hope you will watch this video. Del's weekly internet show and news site: The Highwire. It's a FABULOUS show and I learn so much that is important that is not being covered other journalists.
And so I did. I got right through to the producer, and she knew just what to say to me, it was something like this:
"Montel just read your whole book and he LOVES IT! He asked us to get you out here. We are doing a show on alternative parenting tomorrow and he wants it to be all about what is in your book. We'll flash your book on screen, along with the link to your website and then we want you to talk about vegan pregnancy, and home birth and attachment parenting and home schooling..."
I was floored. This was exactly the opportunity I had dreamed of -- being given the chance to talk about everything I cared about on national TV! They wanted to move fast too. I barely had time to indulge any of my anxieties about dying on an airplane and leaving my two young children motherless.
There were multiple calls. First they wanted to test me out with a bunch of questions and see how I answered. I did my best. The producer loved my answers and I thought she was amazing. I felt like she was my new best friend and I felt validated in my perspective on life and valued for the contribution I was going to make to waking people up and inspiring them to be better parents. I was blown away by how on-board she was with everything I said. With an opportunity like this, I simply couldn't even think about not going, nor could I mull over anxiety related to being farther away from my young children than I had ever been before. My fear of flying on an airplane was easy to push out of my mind in the midst of this exciting opportunity.
Once I was completely sold on the idea, and more importantly -- trusted the character and assurances of my new best friend, she told me there was just a tiny formality we needed to deal with. She needed me to sign their routine release form and fax it back to her. She needed me to do this fast too -- they were under deadline and they couldn't book my plane ticket until the form was signed.
No problem I thought.
They faxed the release form. It was five long pages of very tiny print. The more I read, the more hesitant I was about making this trip and going on the show. I was being asked to sign away all my rights, including my right to sue them for breaking any promise that any member of their staff made to me.
I called my publisher and then I called friends who had been guests on other talk shows. They all basically told me the same thing: This is how talk shows work. That's their standard form. The opportunity to get my book on national TV was an incredible one, and an opportunity few authors ever get, AND the talk shows hold all the power. If I didn't sign their form, I'd be dumped -- they probably had back-ups in mind and would quickly offer this deal to someone else. My choice was to either let this go --- possibly my only chance like this ever -- or sign their forms and hope for the best.
I signed.
One of the friends I had called, was Howard Lyman. He's the 4th generation cattle rancher who was sued along with Oprah Winfrey in the infamous suit brought by wealthy Texas cattle ranchers. Howard gave me good advice. He said I should plan in advance what one idea I most wanted to convey to people, and then no matter what question I was asked, use it as a segue to talk about the one thing I most wanted people to know. I thought this through and knew exactly what one idea I wanted to covey -- it was basically the main thesis that gave birth to my book: Everything we take for granted as normal, in terms of how we rear our children is inconsistent with the basic physical, mental and emotional needs of our species.
I felt ready.
My plane landed in NY and I was greeted by a limo driver holding up a sign with my name on it. They put me up in a beautiful hotel and I was given a generous amount of money to spend on dinner and breakfast. The next morning a limo brought me to the studio and I was briefed on what to expect and again asked a series of questions to help me prepare. This was the first time I learned that other guests were also scheduled for this particular show. That had never been mentioned to me before. My first thought was, "How will they cover all those subjects with me -- if other guests are featured too?" It was also the first time I was informed of the show's title -- it was something like "Controversial and Alternative Parenting."
I was sent to make-up and hair. As I climbed up into the chair, the hair stylist asked me a curious question. "Are you a guest or an expert?"
I wasn't sure how to answer this and wondered what difference my answer might make to how they proceeded. So I told the stylist "I'm not sure...I wrote a book and was invited here to talk about it..."
"Ok -- you're an expert" she said, and began to style my hair.
Though I had already done my own hair, I decided to let them do what they wanted -- hoping to be pleasantly surprised, and I was. They did a great job with both my make-up and my hair, making me look very professional. It wasn't until I got to the green room that I realized the importance of the guest vs expert distinction.
After hair and make-up I crossed paths with another woman scheduled to be on the show. This turned out to be an incredibly fortuitous thing. She was an older woman who told me that she was legal counsel for the La Leche League organization. After we chatted a bit, she asked me if I had ever done anything like this before, and when she learned I had not, gave me valuable advice:
"Be careful -- they may try to get to you to say something specific that they can attack." And she proceeded to explain how breast-feeding advocates are often asked on talk shows how many years is it ok to breastfeed. "Never give an exact number she said." Once you let them pin you down it's an opening to be attacked...don't let them do that."
I was ushered into the green room to wait my turn, and it really was a green room -- with green carpet and green walls. Likely it was just ONE of multiple green rooms as I was in the room alone. It had comfortable living-room style chairs, a clock and a TV screen that allowed me to view what was happening on stage. I looked at the clock. In a few minutes the taping would start. I prepared myself to be ushered onto stage. The clock hit the top of the hour. Montel came on stage and the show started. My heart pounded. I was ready to go. But no one came to get me.
Instead I watched someone else come onto the stage. I glanced back at the clock -- calculating the maximum amount of time that would now be left for them to interview me. When that segment ended I again braced for someone to come through the green room door to get me. But again no one came. A second guest appeared on stage, then a third. Each time the guests were grilled not just by Montel, but also by professional psychologists who just happened to be sitting in the audience -- and then he called on them. That's when it hit me --- the difference between "guests" and "experts." The "guests" who were on stage had a look about them, that seemed more dated, less contemporary -- the women's makeup looked gaudy and kind of overdone, while the professionals who sat in special chairs off stage were obviously the "experts" and their hair and make-up looked very....well professional.
As I watched the other guests I realized why the show was being called alternative and CONTROVERSIAL parenting. They featured a mother who had given condoms to her sexually active 12 year old son -- and then gotten into legal trouble for it, and a father who was also a police-officer who regularly made his 20 year old daughter -- who by all accounts had always been responsible and honest -- submit to a breathalyzer test every time she came home. I couldn't imagine what my book had in common with these parenting choices.
I kept watching the clock nearly 55 minutes had elapsed. The taping was just an hour long.
"What is going on?" I thought to myself. I was so disappointed that I felt like crying. I had come all this way and left my nursing baby and now at most I would get just a few minutes to discuss my book.
"Ok -- we're ready for you!" Someone had come into the green room. Moments later, I was sitting on stage with Montel Williams where blindingly bright lights made it hard to make out individual audience members. I was introduced as a mother who practiced family bed -- that is sleeping with her children. There was no mention of my book, nor that I was even a published author. But thanks to Howard's advice I was at least prepared to get my one main idea across. I used it right off the bat to answer their question about why we did family bed and give it some context. Then they asked me THE question.
"So how long do you plan to let your children sleep in bed with you?"
"Oh gosh -- that's not something my husband and I have actually planned, we'll just see how things go and do what seems to be best for all of us."
"Well how long do you think it's ok to do family bed?"
"Uh...that really depends upon so many things..."
"What is the oldest age you would consider ok?
"You know -- it's gonna be different for every family."
"How old would you say is ok..is 10 years ok?"
"I think parents really need to figure that out for themselves."
Then the, "experts" interjected their opinions, which were clearly opposed to family bed. Following that Montel went back to grilling me again -- over and over he kept rephrasing the same question trying to get me to name some age that I believed was still ok to do family bed. I was running out of new ways to avoid answering this question. So finally I just settled into my broken record mode answering him exactly the same over and over: "...Parents need to figure this out for themselves." Still he kept asking me this same question. Exasperated, I finally blurted it out with a tinge of anger:
"PARENTS NEED TO FIGURE THIS OUT FOR THEMSELVES!"
And with that he wrapped things up. The taping was over and Montel never mentioned my book. He didn't even have it on stage (how I wished I had brought my own copy on stage!) I was ushered backstage to the right and Montel quickly disappeared to the left and I was left wondering if Montel even had any idea that I had written a book. No one in the studio audience had any idea that I had written a book, and I wanted to make sure that this was corrected before the segment aired on national TV. I approached several staff people and told them what happened, and that I had been promised that my book and website would be shown on TV, and asked if they could they put me in touch with the right person to make sure this would happen. I just wanted them to flash my book and website on screen while I was part of the conversation. No one seemed able to help me. I tried to find the producer who I'd been talking to so much the day before -- but she was unavailable. Back home I called her number many times -- but it never again got me anything except a recording. I finally gave up.
When the show aired several months later, my segment had been edited. But not to include an image of my book, nor mention that I was an author, nor to show my website. Instead the editing had removed all of the times that Montel hounded me with the same question about how long it was ok to do family bed...all but the last time that is followed by me replying in anger. That was all TV audiences ever saw. I got zero publicity for my work from the Montel show.
Why you may be wondering did I take the time to share all of this now -- nearly twenty years later? Because I just watched a recent segment of the Tamron Hall Show and it reminded me of my experience on the Montel show.
A special big "Thank YOU" to Del Bigtree for shining a light on exploitative media behavior while giving a mother who deserves to be heard, the opportunity to set the record straight and call out unethical behavior in a journalist. I hope you will watch this video. Del's weekly internet show and news site: The Highwire. It's a FABULOUS show and I learn so much that is important that is not being covered other journalists.
